Hurt so good? (aka – I am fine, thanks for asking :)


My last blog post led to some questions, particularly from my friends wondering, “DUDE, are you ok?”  ❤   I love my friends.  As I get older the relationships I have with each of them deepens and opens in new ways.  I feel so blessed to have tight, longterm friendships.  So,  despite the pleasure I get from keeping my posts somewhat cryptic, I wanted to respond to the concern.

First, yep!-  I am fine.  B., nope, the post wasnt autobiographical.  And three, I think the most interesting part of that entire post may actually be how it came to my mind.  So, this is what I wanted to share today…

Since becoming a bloggess, I have been intrigued by the way Twitter can connect you to people in this world with whom you would have never otherwise crossed paths.  Twitter is the main reason my blog is read internationally.  As a hippy-soul at heart, I love this.  I can share with and learn from people who can open up my relatively insular world.

I tend to click – click – click on recommended profiles.  Just seeing who’s out there.  Recently this led to reading tweets from a small group of people in the BDSM community.  Now, if you already know what that acronym means you are one step ahead.    I’ll let Wikipedia spell it out:

BDSM is a type of adult roleplay between two or more individuals. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.  Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterized by the fact that the participants usually take on complementary, but unequal roles, thus the idea of consent of both the partners becomes essential.

Intriguing, right?  Even if you have no interest in participating in BDSM, its still a curious little subculture.  So, I read some of the posts.  Ok, I read a lot of the posts.  But it didnt lead me to feel what I thought I would feel.  Instead, I felt sad.  Huh?  Yes, sad.  Here’s why…

I totally get that a person’s sexuality is a deep and unconscious thing.  I get that what turns you on can be surprising.  I’m a big believer in letting your freak-flag fly, and exploring & celebrating one’s sexual-ness.  I even get how being dominant and/or submissive, in the right circumstances, can work for a person.

But … some of the posts I read by the submissive people broke my heart.  As a psychologist, I have worked with battered and abused women and children.  I have seen their deep wounds that will never, ever heal.  I heard those wounds crying out in some of these posts.  Now, before I start getting flamed by the SMBD community, let me explain.  I am not condemning adult consensual behavior.  I am suggesting that a person who craves personal degradation and abuse and hurt by another person is someone who is deeply familiar with those feelings already.

My point, is what I said repeatedly in my previous blog post: NO ONE WAS BORN TO BE ABUSED.  Sure, a little pain never hurt anyone, and can even “hurt so good” – thats not what I’m speaking to here.  I’m talking about the wounded child inside these adults who sits still while others inflict humiliation and tremendous pain onto them, repeatedly.  And then feels satisfied.  We were not meant to sit in the fire.  A healthy child will remove her hand from the flame. This is where I was coming from when I wrote the previous blog post.

Yes, my mind is a little jumping bean of curiosity, information and emotions.  Hopefully there are moments when all three come together to offer some meaning and make some sense to someone other than me.

with love,


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