I got soul, but I’m not a soldier

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Sometimes I feel like I’m not putting enough good into the world.  Like somehow I’m responsible for mass conversions.  Before having kids I was a streetwalking activist.  (I think I might just copyright that term.)  I went out into the world to assist as I felt was necessary.   I never imagined that my desire or ability to do this would wane.  But, life loves to mess with us.  

Motherhood threw me for a loop,  in unexpected ways.  The birth of a premature child affects your soul undefinably.  I quit working.  I knew my role was different now.  I needed to provide for this mini-being.  I needed to provide everything.  Fuck.  Lord help me.  Motherhood was a loaded gun which I could use to protect or destroy.  It blows my mind that so many people don’t get this.

Eight years into my parenting journey, with 2 girls under my wing, I can see with different eyes.  My ability to serve the world is not diminished, it has changed from being a direct effect to an exponential one.  

The truth is that to raise a child is a challenge, to raise a quality human being is a mission.  One I try to work into the constant bullshit of daily family life.  Some days I rock it.  Other days, well, not so much.  (Not to mention my completely shit-ass parenting moments.)   But I keep coming back to the truth.  Knowing that when my chicks leave this nest they will take with them the knowledge that:

Love is within them.  

They will know that it is essential to be kind to all living creatures.  

They will know that no one is allowed to abuse them and there may be moments in life that require ass-kicking.  

And, at the end of that ass-kicking, it is appropriate to offer your hand to help up the fallen.

I can only teach and demonstrate and hope and pray.  And then… release.  To do this with intention, and to do it well, is a critical part of putting enough good into the world.

“And if ever I touched a life I hope that life knows that I know that touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution.” – Nikki Giovanni

with love,  jrb

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