speak to me of days outside frustration. the kickboxer i used to be now stuffed inside my womb. i remember giving birth. i wanted the pain. both times. i wanted the pain. the nurses wanted to shut it down with drugs. wanted to shut me up. but the pain is what I needed. to know it was really happening. feeling the pain let me know that the pain would end, and blessings would begin. now i’m looking for the pain again. looking to feel it. looking to feel. so i can begin again at the top of the circle. but all i feel is stuck at numb. waiting for the contractions.